Five By Five
by seren-mercury
Summary: Five Things fics centered around Tony. Some angst, some humor and sometimes simultaneously Ch. 1 Five voicemails he hasn’t deleted.


**A/N:** Because at this point I'm that insane.

**Summary:** Five Things fics centered around Tony. Some angst, some humor and sometimes simultaneously (Ch. 1) Five voicemails he hasn't deleted. In chronological order from oldest to newest.

**Title:** Five by Five

**Chapter One: **Can You Hear Me Now?

**First Saved Message**

*beep*

"_Detective DiNozzo! Your Captain seems to think you went to the crime scene without telling anyone. Since I made myself pretty damn clear that this is my jurisdiction and your sorry butt better stay the hell away from my case, I'm thinking he must have misunderstood. Isn't that right Detective? I'd better hear that he misunderstood when I track you down Detective or you'll find out what happens when I have to repeat myself. I want to know where the hell you really went as soon as you get his message or I'll be showing you what the second 'b' stands for." A pause. "What? What do you-" A growl. "Which hospital Detective? No I want to bring him flowers. Of course I want to question him and after that I'm killing him myself. Did you hear that DiNozzo? Better save this one because it's gonna be your last. Get me a ride to the damn hospital! I know the rental car is totaled that's why I-Oh for th-"_

*beep*

**To repeat message press two.**

**To delete message press seven.**

**To skip message press pound.**

**To save message to the archives press nine. **

**Next Saved Message**

_*beep*_

"_Hey DiNozzo it's me. Gibbs wants to know where the hell you are, something about how he'll give you the __**bubonic**__ plague if your ass isn't back here in ten. He seems to think you already managed to get yourself into trouble just because you're five minutes late on your lunch break." A slight laugh. "Wait…you aren't, are you? I swear Tony if you've gotten yourself kidnapped or poisoned or abducted by an angry mob of ex-girlfriends I will be in line right after Gibbs you hear me! Only you DiNozzo could get the plague and then get blown up your first day back and then be kidnapped when you go out to get a pizza. You better be okay or I will-"_

"_Kate?"_

"_DiNozzo?!?"_

"_Who you talking to? Not Steve again right because I told you he was all wrong for-OW! Ow! What the hell Kate?"_

"_That's for getting kidnapped you ass."_

"_What?"_

"_You heard me."_

*beep*

**To repeat message press two.**

**To delete message press seven.**

**To skip message press pound.**

**To save message to the archives press nine. **

**Next Saved Message**

*beep*

"_We are not…intoxicated Abby, we are simply not…entirely sober."_

"_Shhh! I'm calling Tony's phone! Tony! Tony! Hey Mr. Bossman!"_

"_Abby is he on the phone, like on-on the phone?"_

"_No Timmy it's his voicemail."_

"_Wait, why are you drunk dialing Tony?"_

"_Shove it Agent McGee, Ziva and I already decided we aren't drunk."_

"_That is correct."_

"_So it's not drunk dialing it's regular dialing. It's calling to see where the new bossman is because the old bossman is in Mexico and the new bossman is supposed to be here being 'not entirely sober' with us."_

"_So you're drunk dialing Tony because…"_

"_You know Timmy, Tony is a lot more fun when he's senior field agent. He'd be helping me leave a message. There would be songs, or limericks or something really Tony like that people think would make Gibbs all angry but instead secretly makes him feel loved."_

_Pause._

"_Don't you want Tony to feel loved Timmy?"_

"_I didn't say-"_

"_I do not think Tony feeling 'loved' is often an issue Abby. If anything Tony receives too much 'love'."_

"_Why does love sound like a venereal disease when she says it?"_

"_Maybe because DiNozzo is synonymous with- OW!"_

"_Take that back Timmy! You want Tony to not feel loved and run away to Mexico? Actually it would probably be somewhere like Boston or something. He was on the letter 'B' before-And he's prone to running Timmy! What were you thinking! Apologize!"_

"_What?"_

"_Apologize right now."_

"_You want me to apologize to Tony's voicemail."_

"_I would do as she asks McGee, she is not entirely sober."_

A huff.

"_ImsureeTonesvoicemil."_

"_I don't think he heard you McGee!"_

"_I'm sorry Tony's voicemail!"_

"_Damn right you are."_

_Pause._

"_Wait why was I calling him again?"_

*beep*

_**To repeat message press two.**_

_**To delete message press seven.**_

_**To skip message press pound.**_

_**To save message to the archives press nine. **_

**Next Saved Message**

_*beep*_

"_Hey it's…well I guess it's pretty obvious who it is huh?" A sigh. "Look I just… earlier with…" Another sigh. "I suck at this. Look I'm sorry okay? I was out of line and I shouldn't have… I… I'm just sorry alright." A pause. "Call me back if you want. I'll be up. I just, I-I'm really sorry man. I never meant-" Yet another sigh. "Well I guess you know. Just call me. Please? Okay. I-Okay. I just-" A sigh. "I am really sorry man. More than I can- Please call me. Don't do something stupid and call me okay? Please?"_

*beep*

**To repeat message press two.**

**To delete message press seven.**

**To skip message press pound.**

**To save message press archives nine. **

**Next Saved Message**

*beep*

"_Hey it's me, I need you to grab eggs on your way home. Oh! And check this time okay babe? I need all of them. Apparently your son doesn't understand the concept of-Hey! Put that-Oh for the love of-No! Don't touch-"_

_Clattering._

"_Dragon lagy, dragon lagy, dragon lagy, drag lagy on, dra-"_

_A sigh. "Hey Dad. The baby just picked up grandma's picture and started swinging it around and singing 'Dragon lay-gee'. Mom can't figure out if she's mad at him or you so watch out." Laughter. "Oh right, and she wants eggs because 'you father's son doesn't care if I spent six hours putting that tower together' or something. So don't-Oh crap-"_

"_DADDY!" banging. "DADDY! I see the dragon lagy! DADDY! Mommy wants to take her away but I found it and that's not fair! Is it Daddy? I found it." A pause. "No An-gee. No!"_

"_Just. Give. Me. The phone. Back. You little-"_

"_No An-gee I talk to Daddy. Not you! I found it. Not you. Not fair."_

"_Let. Go. Of the freaking ph-"_

"_NO! It's mine! No!" A crash. _

"_Oh sh-"_

"_Watch your mouth Angelina!"_

"_Sorry mom."_

"_Mommy! An-gee took daddy away! Now daddy's gone!" _

"_Yeah well Daddy took Mommy's insanity when he convinced mommy it was a good idea to marry him. So we're even."_

"_What?"_

"_I told you we didn't need another kid running around but no! You wanted another girl! Make things even you said. Now look what happened."_

"_Angie, take your brother into the living room and where is the damn phone?" More rattling. "Oh crap it's still on. Well now you'd better not forget my eggs or I'm inviting my mother for the next major holiday. That's right! Black mail. I have to resort to black mail! Do you see what your children have done to me? I used to be sane. I used to wear make-up. I used to eat sitting down." Rustling._

"_I can make it go! I can make it go! No, no, no, it's mine, it's mine-"_

"_No it's not you little cretin! Give me the freaking- OW! MOM!"_

"_Oh no, the baby's got the remote control to your stereo. I have to go. Love you babe, and don't forget my damn egss."_

"_That's it! I'm selling you on Craig's List Damien!"_

"_An-gee I don't wanna be selled on Craibb's List!"_

"_Drop the remote or you're on the next flight to Cambodia demon seed!"_

"_I'll tell daddy!"_

"_Not if you're locked in a cargo bay!"_

"_Angelina what have I told you about threatening to sell your brother on the black-market!"_

"_That it's a lucrative business opportunity and I'm a financial genius?"_

"_No." A pause. "That we'll see much bigger returns if we wait until he's potty trained." Laughter._

"_Mommy!"_

_"Give mommy the remote or I'm letting her dip into our profit margins."_

_"I found-"_

**Message exceeded allotted time.**

**You have no more saved messages.**

**To repeat message press two.**

**To delete message press seven.**

**To skip message press pound.**

**To save message to archives press nine.**

**

* * *

A/N:** Cough. Um yeah... I am that crazy. And as to the inevitable questions on the last message, it is whatever you decide. Wrong number, future foretold, whatever you wish it be. I know what I think it is, but hey, it's not my voicemail. Reviews would be love! And as of right now I'm taking suggestions for 'Five by Five' I already have a few categories in the works so feel free to drop in your ideas. All are welcome. Angst, fun, a bit of both. Just PM or review and let me know. Hope you enjoyed the first installment.


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